By the time this makes it onto my blog (in case it ever does), I will be past this. I need a place at the moment to write EXACTLY how I’m feeling, and sometimes this pretense of actually getting it out there is better than simply writing in my journal. Maybe someone can relate to this. And I sure hope it has a happy ending!
Have you ever had one of those instances where all you wanted to do was curl up into a ball, tighter than you physically can because it would keep the pain away? Or at least squeeze the pain into the tiniest bit so that you wouldn’t have to feel it anymore? This is where I am tonight. And not even for any ONE particular reason. It’s not just because I’m single. It’s not just because I’m in my hometown and not in Europe or Australia, or Scotland. Not just because I feel like life has passed me by. Not just because I feel like I am in a really weird place, group-wise. Meaning: I am no longer “young adult,” but I’m also not “young married.” I don’t have kids. I haven’t been at my job for ten years. I feel like I don’t quite fit.
On the other hand, I feel content with my life. Emotionally I am confident, I keep up with my friends, I make sure to do random things every now and then, just for fun. But by the end of the day I ask myself, What am I doing? I don’t have a family, so I feel like I’m not even training others to grow in the Lord. My job is awesome, but it’s not one of those change-the-world type jobs. It’s just ordinary. I feel like I get into a routine. For example, Saturday is the day to get stuff done around the house, do laundry, and go to the grocery store. At night I “cook” food–for one person–and usually sit in front of the TV for an hour. Once a show is done I practice piano and finish reading a chapter or write a little.
It’s not a bad life. I just always thought I would make more impact.
And sometimes I feel like crying because I want to be upset about this good life. It’s not what I dreamed. I want to find that amazing man to spend the rest of my life with. I want to write a book that changes the lives of many other people. I want to travel the world and learn tons of different languages. I want to MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
Tonight I just feel insignificant.
At the current moment, I’ll insert this paragraph (written right before the blog was posted). I’m finally going to write about it. There is an opportunity to share a short story, about “Redemption,” of all things, for a short-story publication. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Finally writing out my story in more than just my journal is helping me to see things from a new perspective. I will probably end up explaining everything in a different way than originally planned, but that also might be good.
I have changed. I hope for the better.
Thank you for letting me share. Really, by the time you read this, it will mean that I am okay. But maybe you need to hear this, simply to know that you are not alone. Whatever your story in life, it is your own, and sometimes all you can do is hang on. It’s okay, and we can get through this together. I encourage you to go read Hebrews in the Bible, or Philippians. 🙂 Talk about encouraging! ❤
Some days it’s just one step at a time.